Family Affair by Harry Potter
by SouredSweetie
Summary: If you think your family is weird, meet the Weasley's.Ron's failing as a magician,Herm's doesnt know which twin is the father of her son,Mr Weasley's converted to christianity & has stolen Mrs W ceramic rubber duckies & Percy plans to take over the world


**_Family Affair by Harry Potter_**

_Let's meet the family, though incredibly out of character and memorably dysfunctional, they are the norm in this unethical society…_

_Hermione, Ron, Mr and Mrs Weasley, Ginny, Neville, Percy, Fred and George, all live in the infamous burrow, and yet have no association with each other within the close proximities of their abode. _

_Ron is struggling to advance in his Muggle career as a magician and is dating a Russian handball champion. Hermione is stressed out running the theory end of her husband's blooming business, whilst trying to look attractive to him too; meanwhile her partner and his troublesome twin are encouraging her son into naughtiness and pondering over who the real father of her child is as well as fighting over a blue suit._

_Ginny is in a marital predicament, married to the mad scientist Neville and yet continually accepting marriage proposals from religious-crazed extremists; all the while playing no part in her husband and daughter: April-May-June's life; Neville is struggling to invent concoctions and has fantasy about animals._

_Mrs Weasley worries over her lost costly ceramic rubber duckies with the hand painted frangipannis and heavily coloured daffodils and Mr Weasley is breaching into the Muggle world transfixed with its religions and has sworn that all magic is bogus._

_Not too mention the cursed-bound Percy who has stooped to employment as a Muggle mailman, who enjoys pretzels and has plans to take over the world as well as conjure useless inventions._

…_oh and of course, there's me, Harry Potter, writing this little piece for you as an over-view of the real life predicaments that go on in this little world…_

_It's weird; it's wacky and totally ironic … so make way for wizards who communicate through Muggle devices and lack in conversational skills; for mothers who's husbands act the same age as their five year old children; and for situations that don't make sense and yet all intertwine in a meaningful story._

_I am Harry Potter, the boy-who-lived-to-live-the-life-of-an-enigma, writing about a week at the Burrow…_

_P.S. All material used are originals and have been collected through the week and placed into this story._

* * *

_**MONDAY**_

* * *

****

**To: Harry**

**From: Ron**

**Re: Vesna**

I think I'm in love Harry! Well, at least I'm in some sort of emotionally distorted predicament…I just wish I could understand what she is saying…it's tough courting a Russian handball champion…

Yesterday at the party…well actually last night AFTER the party…if you get what I mean suggestively raises brows…I thought she was asking for coffee or some sort of beverage…I don't know maybe Vodka…and so I agreed…and well: let's just say my arms are killing me and I don't think I'll be able to walk for a year…

Ron

P.S. Iseem to have misplacedFred, I knew I should've used the handcuffs Vesna used on me yesterday…

* * *

**To: Ron**

**From: Harry**

**Re: Vesna**

I lost you at love…or so I hoped. Unfortunately my eyes have a mind of their own and wondered across the screen to unwillingly recognise the babble you so commonly eject...

What do you mean you lost Fred? I thought he was teaching you some Muggle magic tricks…surely they aren't that effective…?

Harry

* * *

**To: Harry **

**From: Ron**

**Re: Fred**

Well yeah he was…but there was this one trick where he was supposed to disappear...and well he actually did…thing is I put a charm on it, so if he apparated he'd probably end up in some country or dead…either way it's a gain…

At least in Hermione's eyes…

Ron

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Harry**

**Re: Fred**

Now you're pretty connected with the Weasley twins, one of them is your unfortunate brother-in-law, though of course, you'd try to forget it…but has Ron emailed you about losing Fred? Have you seen him?

Harry

* * *

**NEVILLE'S NOTICES:**

**_Note to Neville: don't listen to Percy's invention ideas: they don't work._**

**_Eg: One-Way muggle elevators _**

**NOTES AND TO DO'S:**

**_Horses are herbivores; they find mice and chickens repulsive. Therefore, making Herbivores into carnivores may be unsuccessful…_**

_**Must show April-May-June how to dissect an intestinal tract of a badger.**_

_**Must find the meaning of life: at least that of a skunk**_

_**Haven't showered in a week: must remember to do that**_

**_Must invent an electronic device that enables humans to communicate via voice_**

_**(Can not do: A-M-J tells me there are such things: telegones…)**_

**_Must invent Freezers for Eskimo's: never know when it'll get cold up there…_**

_**Must learn how to procreate**_

****

* * *

****

**To: Harry**

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Fred**

Oh that moron is just playing with Ron; unfortunately he's here with George at the shop promoting their new chilli sauce: '_El papis de la pipis_". The phrase means nothing of course, just something they heard Ron say in his sleep when they drugged his tequila yesterday at Ginny's engagement party- what's this, her fourth one?

Fred thought it would be _hilarious_ apparating from the ancient tomb; and then ended up in Egypt himself. He showed us photos of him riding a camel with three humps- the rest I'm hoping is self explanatory: there's only so mush you can do with three balloons, hand cream and one of those padded donuts you put under your bottom when you have gluteus issues...

Now the two lunatics are dressed in sombreros and dancing to Muggle music: Ricky Martin actually. Harry, there's only so many times you can listen to shake your bon bon, before actually wanting to kick someone up their backside.

And now they've dragged my poor little William into the mix. Good Lord, George is giving him some tequila; some father he is…or I think he is…

What a family I had to get involved in…

Hermione…

* * *

**To: Harry**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Me!**

Oh Merlin Harry, I think I've made another mistake; I mean Stavros really isn't the man for me (but the diamond is so pretty)…I'm going to his nephews bar mitzvah tonight and they're going to break plates- just like they did yesterday, I just know it! I didn't get into the ceramic business to let my fiancé break them all: he's a Jewish Greek… he rebelled against his orthodox parents after they kicked him out home on his 35th birthday: they didn't agree with his commitments to the Klu Klux Klan…he's an enigma…a mystery rapped in cellophane…or is that a riddle…?

What am I going to do Harry? Maybe I should borrow some of that concoction the twins invented. I feel sorry for Hermione though: running that jungle of a business, looking after those two bothersome children and then of course there's little Will…too bad she's a terrible cook…

Oh well I'll see after tonight, then I'll bring Neville out on him…I really don't know why I married that man: I guess it's in case of occasions like this…he might frighten of Stavo with his animal tricks…shudderes

Ginny

* * *

_Dear George,_

_Hello dear, if you have not yet noticed the lavender enveloped and the fine calligraphy from your mother's quill, you'll know I'm writing to you dear. You're the only normal child I have raised: Merlin, I never thought I'd be saying that to a twin…and the only one who married someone who's family makes us look sane…and can help us!_

_Now, I love your father, you know that, but he is driving me mad! He is so dedicated to the Muggle world; he's actually converted to Christianity and has disappeared from the wizard world!_

_Tell me George, who is going to fix the stove for supper tonight?_

_He wrote a letter, using Muggle tools- that he does not believe in magic, claims it's sinful, and is so very regretful of his past that he mentioned something about exploiting the devils world...oh I don't know…_

_I just want him found because he stole my antique ceramic rubber duckies- Percy didn't care for them much, but that's because he doesn't know they're worth 400 galleons each…though I don't plan to ever tell him that, or he might start up that pretzel business again…he always was my third least favourite child…after Fred and Ron._

_Oh dear, do come over and help me sort out this predicament…make yourself useful for once in your life!_

_Mummy_

* * *

__

**To: Hermione**

**From: George**

**Re: Seems…**

…that this family has felt the pinch on its balls yet again: dad's gone mental, just as I predicted and he's taken mum's ceramic rubber duckies as ransom.

Aren't you glad you married into the Weasley clan?

George a.k.a "The Deplorable Moron"

* * *

**To: George **

**From: Hermione**

**Re: Aren't you glad you married into the Weasley clan…**

Just remember George that I was heavily under the influence when we apparated to Las Vegas and got married at Harry's 25th…otherwise I would not have been mad enough to do so.

And I might say that it's about time someone finally got rid of those bloody ceramic rubber duckies- I can not even begin to tell you what is wrong with that phrase!

And heavens above George, you don't have to email me to strike up a conversation! I'm just in the other room!

AND if I see you and your idiotic brother trying to sabotage my poor little boy of a life away from the complexities and moral misapprehension that you and your family conjure, then desist in doing so!

Hermione

A.k.a. "Sweet cheeks…only when she's drunk"

* * *

**To: Hermione**

**From: Georgie-boy**

**Re: Awe,**

And that's why I love you, because you're such a whinge…

**AND** might I remind you I too was heavily under the influence, else I'd still be in Vegas gambling away all my earnings and sleeping with botox-induced strippers! Sweet Merlin look what I'm missing out on.

Love George

* * *

**Loving my little Willy: I BEG YOUR PARDON GEORGE WEALSEY**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Ah my beloved wife: I am awful busy, so hurry it up.

**Loving my little Willy: I don't think playing internet strip poker is considered a profession George…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: How did you know…? You're spying on me aren't you…? Yes I can see you now: BAM! Oh whoops…

**Loving my little Willy: That was the quill holder you just broke, you idiot. Yes George, I have nothing better to do than to spy on you; what message would I be sending my son **

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh leave William out of this; you mother him too much…

**Loving my little Willy: Well I only have one of them…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: One Willy?

**Loving my little Willy: You're such an idiot…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: So what do you want? This game is getting interesting…

**Loving my little Willy: You conceited little…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: prick?

**Loving my little Willy: A little more derogatory than that…**

**Loving my little Willy: wait don't even respond…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh come on, it's not like you've got anything to see…you're covered up most of the time…

**Loving my little Willy: I beg your pardon! I have to dress conservative, I am a mother and I work…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: So's Ginny and she dresses with a little more flare…

**Loving my little Willy: Work? She's doing a new thing each week. Gin's in another mental dimension: I mean she has a husband and a daughter! And yet she acts and dresses like a trollop!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: oh where's your kinky side? Trollops can be fun…

**Loving my little Willy: Well have a go at your sister then…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: I've thought of it…

**Loving my little Willy: **

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh I'm kidding!

**Loving my little Willy: Look, I just want you to know that if you're not happy in this marriage, then we'll annul it. I'll take William and head back to my political career and you can go to Vegas and sleep with as many tarts as you want!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Well I tried it once and you almost slept with Fred…Hermione, don't be difficult…

**Loving my little Willy: Well we both know we're only married because of William, otherwise I'd blow this hell hole…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Now, if only you talked like that in bed…

**Loving my little Willy: wait a minute…why bring Fred into this…wait a minute! I can't believe this!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: What?

**Loving my little Willy: Awe my poor old Georgie boy, you think I can't tell the difference between you and Fred and that's why you're acting like a pain in the pudendum! Awe, poor George is insecure!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Ouch! Now that was uncalled for.

**Loving my little Willy: Why? What's on your mind?**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Well nothing rated PG I'll tell you that

**Loving my little Willy: George! That's it, I'm adding Fred.**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: No!

_THE Hunkaspunk: Hello Ladies_

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh go away

**Loving my little Willy: Fred, what's with George? He seems to think you and I are in a relationship…**

_THE Hunkaspunk: Woah Bro, I'm not that mad…_

**Loving my little Willy: FREDRICK WEASLEY!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh what did you expect Hermione? He's a "Hipster doofus" as you so commonly call him.

_THE Hunkaspunk: yes, thank you for that…actually there was that one time…_

**Loving my little Willy: What?**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: WHAT!

_THE Hunkaspunk: yeah, at Harry's 25th, something happened…but yeah, I was too drunk to remember…_

**Loving my little Willy: Oh I don't think so…!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: WHAT!

_THE Hunkaspunk: Bro, don't have a coronary…all I remember is wearing the blue suit and some weird looking guy in an Elvis suit…blacking out and waking up naked with a migraine…_

**Loving my little Willy: It was Las Vegas, everybody there wears an Elvis suit… **

LoverBubbasocks-rock: No Hermione, not everyone…MERLIN! You slept with FRED?

**Loving my little Willy: Lord NO!**

_THE Hunkaspunk: Hey I'm still here…_

LoverBubbasocks-rock:So then maybe the kid's not mine…

**Loving my little Willy: George, I KNOW it was you…but if not…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Wait a minute…Fred you wore my suit?

_THE Hunkaspunk: Well you weren't…_

LoverBubbasocks-rock: I'm going to kill you….

**Loving my little Willy: Excuse me!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh what now…

**Loving my little Willy: Don't use that tone on me!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:I'm not even talking! How do you know what it would sound like?

_THE Hunkaspunk: So this is what marriage is like…shudders_

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh shut up Fred. Hasn't it even occurred to you that you may have tarnished my suit!

_THE Hunkaspunk: it did for about one second, then I made a move and the player stripped… _

**Loving my little Willy: You're both playing strip poker?**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh man…hot stuff

**Loving my little Willy: You're still on it aren't you? I can see you mouth watering…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Oh give me something…

**Loving my little Willy: Why you little…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh come over here and say it, I dare you!

_THE Hunkaspunk: Hey Herm, you might want to change you name…"Loving my little Willy" am I the only one who finds it amusing?_

**Loving my little Willy: Dare me? Oh that's rich?**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh we all know you're a prude; and I have a right to be angry! Fred wore my suit!

**Loving my little Willy: Well what about William?**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Ah the whole family wonder's who the father is: Fred or me…

**Loving my little Willy: OOOHH!**

LoverBubbasocks-rock: Now if you made those sounds more oftern…

_THE Hunkaspunk: You know I can hear the keys on your computer…_

**Loving my little Willy: Merlin help me; I married a delinquent**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:Oh and what are you going to do about it?

_THE Hunkaspunk: You talking to me or your wife?_

**Loving my little Willy: Oh I'll show you…**

LoverBubbasocks-rock:This'll be… tyhrdghfg

_THE Hunkaspunk: Hello? What are you…oh boy…I think the shops going to be closing early today…_

_THE Hunkaspunk: Oooh yeah, really early…INCASE ANY OF YOU COME BACK AND READ THIS- AT WHICH TIME YOU'LL PROBABLY BE PREGNANT, I'M TAKING WILL HOME! I don't think he should be learning about this…yet_

* * *

__

_(Ring Ring)_

"_Hello"_

"_Gin it's me…"_

"_Heya Harry, so you got my email did you? What should I do?"_

"_Well don't tell Stavros for starters! If Hermione's theory is correct, he's in the Mafia and he's a martial arts guru- if you tell him about Neville he'd kill him and April-May-June-"_

"_Who?"_

"_Your daughter?"_

"_Oh right…yeah well HARRY! This guy freaks me out! But he's so rich! It's the only way I can contribute to the family…heaven knows Neville is doing stuff-all as a biologist- he's got his hands stuck up a horses ass more than he has mine-"_

"_Oh I wish you didn't say that…."_

"_Well it's true! Last week I saw him naked in front of-"_

"_STOP! Your husband's a freak and so is your fiancé, but you have an obligation to your family and your daughter!"_

"_Awe come on, Hermione's there and so is mum- they'll manage it! And besides! I'm doing this to put money on the table!"_

"_Oh? And what money did you earn with your last five engagements?"_

"_Well, when I finally decide to sell the rings there's a couple of thousand galleons there: not to mention all of the gifts I got for my engagement party's, hen night's and kitchen tea's…Merlin it's hard to plural words…"_

"_Um Gin, all those gifts…most of them were given to you by your family, and you live with all of them…somehow I don't see what you would earn…"_

"_Oh hush! So anyway, what are you up to?"_

"_Ah distraction, I like it."_

"_Too bad, I've got to go. Stinker, or Stag, whatever his name is wants to use the phone…bloody Muggles…"_

"_See you Ginny"_

"_Bye bye dahling…"_

* * *

**To: Harry**

**From: Ron**

**Re: Oh Boy…**

Well I don't think I can ever stay the night over at Vesna's anymore; she gives the game "handball" a new meaning suggestively raises brows…not that I'm complaining of course, but I just don't wanna lose the equipment before the game…

So I found Fred, well actually, he phoned me from home; he was a bit frightened if you ask me- said he had to close the shop early: I'm wagering there'll be another Weasley popping out soon- this time we'll know it's George's.

BUT don't tell that to Hermione, she'll kill me!

Anyways, I'm off to the detention centre that I call home. And this time I'm taking home the handcuffs…and the whip…and the collar…

Ron

* * *

_**The Diary of Percius Weasleous**_

_Dearest of all dear diaries; mine own diary._

_As you can see from above, I have changed my name to one which no one will recognise: Percius Weasleous; quite cunning is it not?_

_I am writing to you from within the broom closet of my humble abode, though I can not see very well, this solar powered pen that Neville gave me does not seem to function in the dark._

_I quite like Neville, he's the only one that doesn't discriminate against my plots to take over the world and my mission to own a pretzel company: he's even promised me one of his new inventions: The Nibulous 4781 (the pen that writes upside down and that only occasional runs out) I just wish he didn't wear glasses, it makes him look like a lizard. _

_Of course, my materialistic sister married him over eight years ago; my theory is it was because she fell pregnant: though that's happened many times. Her eight year old daughter: April-May-June Longbottom, she is quite clever. I am quite fond of her; she's exactly like her father in intelligence. Thankfully she doesn't sport the baldness, the poor sight and the rounded belly. Perhaps when she's a little older, we can take over the world together and then…then I can finally own my own pretzel company._

_For that is my undying wish; though my twin brothers think not. They constantly try to manipulate my inventions and now they are encouraging William to do the same. Why, only last week when I planned to transport a poisonous powder through owls and the muggle post box, they had corrupted my plan and cleverly poured the powder over my dinner._

_Though I shall not forgive them for my sudden loss in taste: oh the tang of salt pretzels shall be lost from me forever! I have acknowledged their superiority and cunningness._

_How did they get the powder out the envelope and place it over my food: genius really._

_Oh here's William now……ahhhhhhh_

* * *

__

_Dear George,_

_If you have remembered from a few moments before the lavender envelope and the fine calligraphy from your mother's quill; you should notice it's me yet again._

_Fred has just come home and gave me a brief description of the reason of your's and Hermione's absence; I just hope the mouse has been caught! Heaven knows what a mouse can get up to in your shop, it could probably taste a growth enhancing concoction of yours and become a killer pest! _

_As much as I worry about the infestation, I am simply writing to inform you that I have lost your invalid brother Percy. Heaven knows what he's doing now, hopefully not suggesting silly ideas to Neville or trying to take over the world again: last time he did that we stole one of my pans and a light blub._

_You remember the black highlighter and the air-conditioning on muggle motorbikes; and the waterproof teabags? All Percy's ideas of course, and Neville created them…he always was my second least favourite son-in-law._

_The last time your brother went missing he ended up in Saudi-Arabia and was about to join some extremist cult; they sold pirated DVB's- or whatever they are called. I tell you know George, how can pirates be on DVB's? Don't they travel on ships?_

_How times have changed since I was young._

_Anyway, if you know where he is or that imbecile Ron, then please reply to mummy._

_OXXOXOX_

_P.S: there is no information yet in regards to my missing ceramic rubber duckies with the hand painted frangipannis and heavily coloured daffodils!_

* * *

__

**To: Fred**

**From: George**

**Re: Hmm…**

Percy's gone missing again eh? Have you checked the bathtub? Maybe he's done the right thing and finally drowned himself…

Oh don't say that you cruel man…HERMIONE look what you made me write...

Oh and thanks for the cover up, mice infestation? Great, now's she's going to check us for rabies and stuff…or she'll get Longbottom to do it; the mad animal man…

Yes Hermione I know Rabies come from foxes and wild…oh boy, you better stop doing that…uh ohhhhhhhhh

* * *

**To: Fred**

**From: George**

**Re: Hey it's Hermione**

George is, ahem, a little indisposed at the moment, taking a breather or two… :P not that you needed to know that but well…

Anyway, tell your mother to check in the broom closet. I saw him in there last time using that stupid solar-powered pen Neville invented for him. The fool forgot to go outside to charge it up so it was pitch black in there…

Among other things, how's my little Willy? You didn't hurt him did you? Where is my little Willy? Thanks for taking him btw; heaven knows what he would've thought if…

Oh too much information you say George? Okay…

He's behind me nibbling at my ear, oh boy…ok okay I'll stop!

Anyways, see you later…GEORGE STOP IT………

Hermioneeeeeeeeeeeeee

* * *

**To: George**

**From: Fred**

**Re: For a moment…**

…I can't believe you two could still press s**end**: why aren't you both clever when you're highly aroused.

I thought Hermione was the sane one in your relationship, the only one that could string a few sentences together and then by the end of it, even she lost it… I was actually surprised she could still punctuate and capitalise her words, very clever, or are you under par?

Maybe we should invest in a bed for your office? That way I may not have to burn all the chairs/tables/walls in the shop…

Funny that, you haven't had sex in a few months and now you're going at it like rabid animals…ALL OVER THE OFFICE!

Just stay away from my desk!

Fred

P.S. Tell Hermione her little Willy is with mum blasting all those garden elves in our garden: surprise surprise! You should be proud of him George, he tackled one to the ground and then under my supportive guidance hid it the broom closet under the stairs…

THANKS HERMIONE for the notice, you were right, Percy was in there; although he's going by the name of _Percius Weasleous_ …I'll ask him what that's about after he awakes from unconsciousness, that elf did a good job.

* * *

**To: Fred**

**From: Ron**

**Re: Have you…**

Seen my handcuffs, collar and whip? I left it on the bench while I was going to get a drink and they disappeared!

Ron

P.S. Bring us up a pumkin paste would you

* * *

**To: Ron**

**From: Fred**

**Re: So…**

Your sex toys have gone missing eh? Too bad nothing else of yours can, it could really help your magic show.

Fred

P.S. Get off your own ass

P.P.S. I don't understand why we have to email each other, I'm just in the lounge room: wave to me Ron, I'll see you…hello Ronnekins!

Moron.

* * *

**To: Fred**

**From: George**

**Re: About your office…**

Too late, we sorta already did it there: twice. BTW nice choice in leather chairs, I didn't know it moved so far back…

I oaifhfgn

**(Bold) Hey George it's Hermione, I just pushed George off the chair; though I must say it was quite comfy, it moulds into your bottom…the chair I mean…**

**I DO NOT CONDONE the unforgivable actions you provoked my poor little boy into…just what I need, a child like his father and uncle…in whichever order you are…**

**Although I must say, it was quite funny……whoa……..**

(Unbold) NOW it's George, if you want to know I'm sitting on my wife…serves her right.

I don't know why I'm bothering to email you I have nothing to say, oh that's right:

Just wanted to tell you we already did it in your office…

Doodles…

I mean, Toodles...

George

**AND HERMIONE :)**

(Hermione you've got to stop interrupting like that…good lord)

* * *

**To: George**

**From: Fred**

**Re: YOU DID WHAT**

ON MY CHAIR? IN MY OFFICE?

Is this revenge for wearing your suit six years ago? Good lord I have to burn everything, that's it, we're moving shop!

You're all sick!

Fred

P.S. It is a comfy chair isn't it? I bought it at Malfoy's bankrupt auction…Ginny cleaned him out big time, haha!

* * *

**To: Fred**

**From: Ron**

**Re: You know…**

…You should really try not to press so hard you keyboard, could do some damage to it.

…You should follow your own advice not email me, im in the kitchen. Wave to me Fred, you'll see me… hello Frederfrickus!

…I ca hear something under the stairs: did you get William to put a garden elf in the broom closet when Percy is in there? Last time that happened he ened up in concussion, Percy is piss weak…

Ron

P.S. You don't think Neville stole them do you?

* * *

_**The Diary of Percius Weasleous**_

_Dearest of all dear diaries; mine own diary._

_I have awoken to a dark place and my head is throbbing. The last thing I remember is my mischievous nephew shoving a troll into my space; of course he was encouraged by my idiotic brother Frederick._

_Note to self: eliminate idiotic brother Frederick._

_Alas I must leave you, for I have only written to inform you of the occurrences which had disabled my continuation of the diary entry._

_Now I must leave for work: the mail…it never stops…and neither will this Nibulous 4871…_

_Farewell diary mine…_

_P.W._

* * *

__

**To: Harry**

**From: Ginny**

**Re: Well I'm off**

Just about to leave the jungle we call home and am off to go to Stinker's nephew's bar mitzvah…and I can't help feeling a little guilty about the plates…

I noticed you haven't come home yet, so I'm just going to warm you about what's been happening:

PERCY: has a slight concussion and is arguing with Neville why his solar-powered pen does not work in the dark; and is encouraging April-May-June to take over the world with him.

He is also trying to delve deep into the mind of Fred to see how he "cunningly placed the mysteriously planted powder into his beef stroganoff" last week; as well as complaining that he can't taste anymore.

MUM: Still in hysterics over her ceramic rubber duckies with the hand painted frangipanis with heavily coloured daffodils; and is planning to form a group of a sort to find dad and shoot him down. Mind you all the members are from her muggle bingo class…don't know how she'll manage that…

She has just finished serving us half-cooked lasagne (with the twins' new chilli sauce) and is cursing because dad didn't come home to fix the stove.

FRED: Last time I left time he had put a silencing charm over Percy and was encouraging William to add a whole dollop of their new chilli sauce: _El papis de la pipis_; into Percy's plate. The sauce makes you constipated for two hours then makes you diarrheic for four: great, we'll be cleaning up Percy's shit (as well as anyone else's who tries the lasagne) for a whole day.

Also, Fred was showing Ron his Egypt photos: there's only so much you can do with balloons, cream and an ass donut…

RON: Heavily bruised around the wrists and has this stupid smile on his face: probably because William just spiked his drink with smiling syrup…his mouth is about three inches wide! It would be quite funny if it wasn't so frightful; good lord he just ate the lasagne…

DAD: Heaven knows where he his; all we know is that he's holding mum's ceramic rubber duckies with the hand painted frangipanis with heavily coloured daffodils hostage.

WILLIAM: He's making trouble, and Hermione's not here to hit Fred. Self-explanatory, he's the new pint-sized curly haired Weasley prankster.

NEVILLE: probably off shagging sheep with Ron's sex toys.

APRIL-MAY-JUNE: Being manipulated into taking over the world: whatever she decides I'll support her…

GEORGE: Still "exterminating mice" (Fred's words) but we know he and Hermione are going at it on Fred's new leather chair, just like they did last week…

HERMIONE: With George or Fred, even she doesn't know anymore…

And there you have it, an overview of a typical Weasley day; can't say nothing much happened around here can you?

Oh well, I've distracted myself long enough, now I have to go to the bar mitzvah…

Ginny…

* * *

**NEVILLE'S NOTES:**

**_After a brilliant discussion with Percy, I have developed new inventions which I must in fact, invent:_**

_**Waterproof paper for the porcelain express**_

_**Solar Powered lights**_

_**Square tyres**_

_**And the greatest of them all:**_

_**A banana straightener **_

**_Oh I don't know how he comes up with the genius; such challenges! I must go and conquer them all!_**

**_Then there's the sheep to consider…I hope these handcuffs work…_**

**__**

* * *

Well there you have it, absolute nonsense but it will have a plot and a meaning. It is quite a weird and eccentric story, so I guarantee not many will enjoy it because of the sheer stupidity of it: I mean Ron practising to be a muggle magician and failing: it doesn't make sense…

Personally I love the idiocy of this story and if I do continue it, it'll be for my own sick humour: but if you like it please review: give me some ideas (even though I already know what happens, if you have anything weird to add, tell me!) I've tired to make the characters as similarly based as in the books, Hermione is still a worry wart, and Fred and George are pranksters; Ginny is all over the place and Mr Weasley is still obsessed with all things muggle; Ron well, he's a lost case isn't he…

So if you like, please review! If not, thanks for reading anyway.

SouredSweetie

P.S. as this is merely a "trial story" I may take it down or at least repost it.

P.P.S. Not sure about rating; it's a possible R, though its only suggestive- not in detail

P.P.P.S. This story is inspired by the sitcom Arrested Development. I do not own it, nor the Harry Potter characters. But I do own: Vesna, Willy and April-May-June; should I be so proud.


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